We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize