Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
