Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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