So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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