No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
