I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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