it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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