Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
