Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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