And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I checked into jail on foursquare
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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