So drunk its hurt
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
