I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
