I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think my moral compass just broke
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
