Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
