She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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