I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize