Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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