Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
