Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
