one two three fourrrrnication!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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