Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
