90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
