I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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