Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
