Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
