p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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