onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
