I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
