Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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