Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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