I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
