Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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