A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm passing your future prison.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
