he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
