the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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