Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
