hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
