My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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