Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize