Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
