I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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