Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
