I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
