The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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