So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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