The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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