life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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