If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize