My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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