The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't put those talents on a resume
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
