sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
