capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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