Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
