literally had 100 drinks last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
