Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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