Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
