I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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