WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
