I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
