I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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