having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
