You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize