The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
