I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
