It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
