I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
