you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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