Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize