if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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