I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize