Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
