If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize