Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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