In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
