Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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