My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
