did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
